I'm currently reading "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." I suppose I'm just going to dive right on into this topic, aren't I? I'm reading the book from two different angles: myself as a mother and myself as my mother's daughter. The first chapter holds a quiz wherein you can score how many of the traits you experienced from your mother, I scored 13 of 39. Perhaps I would score more if I could really truly be honest about some of the questions. It's very difficult to frame my mother in a negative light - part of me feels she doesn't deserve it - she was doing the best she could with what she had - but I also know that the reality is a lot of her parenting was harmful. It harmed my relationships with my daughters, with my boyfriends (and there are many stories here to dig into later), but mostly the relationship with my father. It astounds me that at 51 years old I do not have a way to get a hold of my father without going through my mother. She's on his email, "he never uses his cell phone" (but maybe he would if his daughter were calling and texting him?) It all feels like such a setup, it's frustrating and sad. My dad lets it happen, though. At thanksgiving I asked him if we could go out to breakfast just him and I and he said, "why?"

I suppose after years and years of living under a type of power, you don't even realize what you're in. That is my husband's experience. I still get very surprised that a man with such strength and fortitude could have been on the brink of putting his life to an end by suicide due to his wife's behaviors. I do thank my higher power all the time that my own mother is nowhere near the toxicity levels of this woman. I wanted to have a relationship with her, I really did...but there was no human way possible. It's one of the challenges life has offered me - don't bargain with borderline personality disorder and don't rock a narcissist's way of life.

I don't know that narcissist really fits the definition of my mother's behaviors, but understanding her behaviors is throughout this book in explanation. Am I just in a denial that I'm struggling to overcome? It's possible. I'll continue to work on it here.

And since so many things are handed down generation by generation: was her mother a narcissist? I don't think I can make my own assessment, as I was so young when she died and not near the understanding level of human behavior that I have now. Still, my grandmother was 46 years old when my mother was born and already had 6 other children and 2 other husbands, so I can't imagine that she had a good grip on life and it's many ups and downs. Similar to my own life, except that I did not have 7 children, only 2. 3 husbands, though. And I most certainly did NOT have a good grip on my own life in the first two marriages. Another story for another day.

My mom has been married to my dad for over 50 years now. I've often wondered what keeps them together - they have so little in common, is it just out of necessity at this point? Neither of them seems particularly happy with the other - I do think happiness is possible, I have it in my own marriage. Maybe my father is afraid to be alone. I imagine that to be the case.

And maybe it's next to impossible to leave a narcissist who has not healed. That could also be likely. Sometimes it feels like my mother's behavior is all about me but the truth is, it's her own behavior and it falls to everyone to recognize it for themselves (or not). To me, not recognizing it is turning a blind eye. I think that's what my father and brother do.  Does my husband turn a blind eye to me? My girls, not usually. Maybe myh usband does but I continue to ask him for the truth. That's our work in progress.